I am a trier and a striver in many ways. Always trying new things and striving to make things better. I am also a sticker - I stick by people and things.
I think its my perception of being 'good' and 'reliable' and 'strong'. Sometimes (often) it hasn't served me. I will be there smiling and dying on the inside, my clenched brushed teeth like a little shield that belies the 'I am dying in here' mental tract I am stemming from exploding into the atmosphere verbally. I suppose in the past I could be accused of manacling and muzzling myself for the greater good of others...yes that statement could be quite fair.
Recently - very recently I decided I was going to give up. Quit. Let go of, send it off into the funeral pyre of failures. Oh I tried, I truly tied and the feedback was I was actually quite good at it but inside...sad grey limp me.
I don't give up on things easily like I said I commit to things - morally. My friendships; I am the stayer, the stalwart, the through thick or thin pin. My head says I will make things work. I can be irritatingly determined. Taking things on I carefully consider it all, I take a task and pick it up and examine it from every angle, I play out the what ifs in my head, I am careful, deliberate, conscious.
Then there are those other types, the people I have met that appear to have done the same then enter into it and go...
'You know what...actually...no'
I how I have grown to admire these people, they are 10 foot tall in my estimation.
Previously I was like a dog with a bone, I would gnaw on things, toss the problem around, see if I could make it into something new, something rewarding, a karmic challenge, an blessing disguised as an issue.
No its an ugly bone, I have tasted and tested it, there is no meat, no nourishment for me. I am not the happy dog chewing on that bone and I don't want to soon behave like the dog that's poorly fed unsatisfied and mean.
Now that all might sound good right?
Its not good.
I think its my perception of being 'good' and 'reliable' and 'strong'. Sometimes (often) it hasn't served me. I will be there smiling and dying on the inside, my clenched brushed teeth like a little shield that belies the 'I am dying in here' mental tract I am stemming from exploding into the atmosphere verbally. I suppose in the past I could be accused of manacling and muzzling myself for the greater good of others...yes that statement could be quite fair.
Recently - very recently I decided I was going to give up. Quit. Let go of, send it off into the funeral pyre of failures. Oh I tried, I truly tied and the feedback was I was actually quite good at it but inside...sad grey limp me.
I don't give up on things easily like I said I commit to things - morally. My friendships; I am the stayer, the stalwart, the through thick or thin pin. My head says I will make things work. I can be irritatingly determined. Taking things on I carefully consider it all, I take a task and pick it up and examine it from every angle, I play out the what ifs in my head, I am careful, deliberate, conscious.
Then there are those other types, the people I have met that appear to have done the same then enter into it and go...
'You know what...actually...no'
I how I have grown to admire these people, they are 10 foot tall in my estimation.
Previously I was like a dog with a bone, I would gnaw on things, toss the problem around, see if I could make it into something new, something rewarding, a karmic challenge, an blessing disguised as an issue.
Yesterday I said...
So I simply said...yes after anguish and much self flagellation I said no more to that bone and I gave up. Looking myself squarely in the eye...I hee hawed loudly, barked, waged every imaginable tail and...
I said no more, I said that's not for me!
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