Why I Admire People Who QUIT!

I am a trier and a striver in many ways. Always trying new things and striving to make things better. I am also a sticker - I stick by people and things.

Now that all might sound good right?

Its not good.

I think its my perception of being 'good' and 'reliable' and 'strong'. Sometimes (often) it hasn't served me. I will be there smiling and dying on the inside, my clenched brushed teeth like a little shield that belies the 'I am dying in here' mental tract I am stemming from exploding into the atmosphere verbally. I suppose in the past I could be accused of manacling and muzzling myself for the greater good of others...yes that statement could be quite fair.

Recently - very recently I decided I was going to give up. Quit. Let go of, send it off into the funeral pyre of failures. Oh I tried, I truly tied and the feedback was I was actually quite good at it but inside...sad grey limp me.

Sady Me

I don't give up on things easily like I said I commit to things - morally. My friendships; I am the stayer, the stalwart, the through thick or thin pin. My head says I will make things work. I can be irritatingly determined. Taking things on I carefully consider it all, I take a task and pick it up and examine it from every angle, I play out the what ifs in my head, I am careful, deliberate, conscious.

Then there are those other types, the people I have met that appear to have done the same then enter into it and go...

'You know what...actually...no'

I how I have grown to admire these people, they are 10 foot tall in my estimation.

Previously I was like a dog with a bone, I would gnaw on things, toss the problem around, see if I could make it into something new, something rewarding, a karmic challenge, an blessing disguised as an issue.

Yesterday I said...

No its an ugly bone, I have tasted and tested it, there is no meat, no nourishment for me. I am not the happy dog chewing on that bone and I don't want to soon behave like the dog that's poorly fed unsatisfied and mean.

So I simply said...yes after anguish and much self flagellation I said no more to that bone and I gave up. Looking myself squarely in the eye...I hee hawed loudly, barked, waged every imaginable tail and...

 I said no more, I said that's not for me!

The Melody Within

Music...

Music can have an amazing effect in many ways as we all know. There are some pieces that are like an open wound threatening to tear your chest cavity apart.

Others are like thick dollops of glucose poured straight into the heart. How beautiful that is.


Whether the songs or arrangements are complex and detailed or sparse and almost barren and primal its interesting the spaces it can invade.

We all keep our sane cap on, bit like the mad persons tin foil hat to keep the radiation out. Ours is a thin veneer or normality and contrived contained character, we are all plain we are all sane.

Some days are harder than others. Some emotions creep out - I have seen people apologise profusely for bursting into tears or for releasing unstemable bouts of uncontrolled laughter. I say give me that any day - as long as its not from me. Masking brewing emotion in that cauldron called the mind or its defective counterpart the known as the 'heart' takes ceaseless vigilance and wears us all down eventually.
Music can pop the emotional bubble that's threatening to burst.


It all comes out. Either when alone, shared, in health, in heightened and low forms, in good and in bad.

So much can be cured with song - corny I know. I'll wear the corny title.

How much rage can be expressed, how soothed, how tempered and coddled? Music can make you practically swoon. It can make you visceral and feisty - build a physical thirst. It can temper and simply mellow you, it can tap into the ephemeral and lofty heightened highs of the mind or stir the most basic and tribal within us. It can create clarity.

Some music is a jouney, into a part of your heart or your brain, a memory, a hidden desire, a lost motivator, a scar, a pain, a loss. It can give and it can take. It can build it can give you a future remind you of your past. I think I would wither and die if not for music.

I cannot play. I don't really sing but the music peals and resonates within me making me a better thing.