Exposing Yourself is it a Good Idea?

Exposing what?

I have intimacy issues...

and no confidence.

I think I am transparent, to the world it might appear I am transparent - I try to project that. Cleverness and a true sense of 'togetherness' like I have my shite together, but sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I am sure I cause confusion to others. All warm and embracing, heart on my sleeve, bold brave self effacing - sometimes a little nude to express that. Painfully shy me. Loud extrovert boisterous me - I am bold brash and open. Attracted to people with open loving hearts and minds, I admire them because I am a bit of a coward.

I apologise for everything.

Sometimes I hate myself for everything.

I hide.

Either I yell jump up and down and scream LOOK AT ME...or I hide. I retract I brood I pick at my feathers like a dysfunctional bird in a cage, till I am repulsive and repugnant. It never lasts long thank god or my brain, my disposition, I don't like the misery or the failure it is unattractive to me, it is not who I am.

There is a need to make amends but then where do I land?

On unfamiliar ground on a strange land. Will I like it?

Why am I terrified to appear as beautiful? I am not remarkable - so I want to dumb it down, I don't want to let anyone down, what if I meet you and I am only me? My age, my stage, in this skin, with these contents in my head, within in my heart, what I can offer you? What if its not enough?

I have a slew of incredible photo's my partner has taken - he has exulted and perfected me. Is exposing myself a good idea I am only just me?



Life is short...

Why I LOVE Larry David

Why I LOVE Larry David and want to write for him.

He says everything I am afraid to say...

but lately everything is threatening to burst from my lips. Stemming the flow is becoming harder than not.

I am getting a Larry David note book and I am going to work it.

The things I want to say are sometimes filthy, offensive but I think very funny. In the last month I have had three different people who know me in varying degrees state that my only choice is to be a stand up comic. I am not that brave I would have to hide behind characters. Characters that are real to me have grown in their dimensions, they are very real distinct human beings the thing they have in common is that that operate as if they are unaware they are not self conscious and don't over think things.The distinct characters have one theme - they bumble their way through life unaware and unaffected by what they experience and it is the way they experience.

Which is in direct contrast to myself. These characters live apologetically and free, I am so jealous of these fools ferociously so. Perhaps that what drives me.

I love Larry David for his themes of incest, boys penis size and vagina size. I love his petty frustration and his true loathing for the human race and its pissy postulating - see The Interior Decorator, I am convinced this is based on a woman I have encountered personally.

Incest hilarity - you can start hating me now.

From Palestinian Chicken another favorite

Usually and its a rule I pride myself on the if you don't have anything pleasant to say don't say anything at all. Live and let live, let people behave like assholes who I am I to judge? I see myself as an elegant human being.

But its taking over and I afraid I will descend into a type of madness if I go there - or sheer delirious abandoned happiness. The other thing I fear is the hate others might feel toward me, but in my mid forties the time is running out at present I think I can fit just one more career in. It is not about fame if I don't get my opinion out soon I will literally die!

People are fucked they are flawed they are unrelenting and insidiously idiotic and it seems to be gaining momentum.

I want a change to pass a piece of paper over - one page with themes or lines my characters say, I know the L man would get it.

I keep contemplating a YouTube channel - with the skits. It takes up a large piece of my brain I mull it over and over but I am afraid and I am quite shy.

The battle can't continue.

It will be interesting to see what wins my fear or the eminent explosion I keep suppressing that threatens to burst from my lips.

I love you Larry David, because of you my expression is not madness nor is it bitterness it is intelligent and quite sane. I am getting so close to it all now...I can use the tools they are no longer offensive they are my cashe, thank you Larry.

I am going to buy a little brown book today.

The reaction to my writing would be just like this resulting in the demand that I become a contributing writer. 

Shopping Vintage ::: The Best of Bad Taste.

I have been shopping vintage since I was about 13 years of age (long long ago). During a high school camp I just had to duck into a thrift shop and buy a 1960's silver necklace...I was ridiculed mercilessly for it.

Morons.

They mocked I very quietly felt smug. I didn't care - they didn't get it and I had a unique piece. I was hooked.

Fabrics prints and cut - I don't care where its from how little or how much it cost if I love it I must have it. I am no designer snob. Sure I understand fine fabric and garment construction but impact for me wins every time!

Years spent trawling through peoples off casts gathering things I just simply adored, whether it was to worn or not has amassed me quite a collection. I may have to cull it soon with a sale but I doubt it, they are irreplaceable. Somethings I buy just because, I have a vulgar collection of hideous 70's kitchenware, a truly beautiful collection of mid century ceramics - not huge but every piece to me divine, fabulous hats mostly 1950's some I have worn but all of these things I am proud to own.

My advice for collecting is...If it makes you smile - get it. If it makes no sense at all but you love it - have it. Life is far too short to edit. Live it, make your heart sing!

Sometimes I get to pull out an item I've never worn but have harbored for years - they are the things that other people comment on and say they wish they could wear. I got this little number recently it was far too short and far too big till I took it in and thought of teaming it with Opaques.

What can I say...Who doesn't want to look like vintage wallpaper?

Another fascination lately has been boxy vans...don't start me. The flatness of the front, the side mirrors are industrial art not design, the trim...garhhhh drool.....

How cool is this ride and how much fun could a night out with the gang be in this machine? 

Get the music thumping...

Anyone interested in a vintage shopping tour? Hmmm...

Some advice before we begin.

A Whole Lot of Mental

Brady Bunch Variety Hour: Disco Medley

Seriously watch the dance moves - its like straight acid 60's style!

Thought for the Day...

My Top Oscars Acceptance Speeches So Far!

It is about the speeches...

as you will see.

Beginning with the incredible stable opening and ending in a mish mash of quite delicate emotion about her entire life - stick with it to the end. I admire her raw emotion and how clearly you can see this moment does mean everything to her.

GWENYTH PALTROW


This open hearted warm outpouring - love him! The crowds reaction- pure beautiful humanity.

CUBA GOODING JNR



This is how I might react but I think I might wet my pants fall down and have a snotty nose too. Not that I am emotional or anything...ahem. I am a kisser and a hugger too, no one would be safe I would wipe my nose on every face and or shoulder.
Her response to winning this award is incredible!
See the film Monsters Ball she deserves the award her performance was mesmerising.

HALLE BERRY


Only from the divne Sophia Loren could such an award be given so perfectly! Now its no secret that I do have a penchant for men with sexy accents and Italians in particular but Roberto here is irresistible! He speaks of love - god bless this man and his effusiveness. As he said Love is Divinity.

ROBERTO BERNINI


I think it is very brave to not only act but to give a tidal wave of emotion and thanks for be awarded for doing so, I admire these people for every facet they display, for being true, human and exposed.

I Love a Mature Gent ::: For the Love of Older Men

There is something about older men...

older dignified men. Men with a past men with a history. There is much to appreciate about an older man, a lived in face that wears an expression that tells of his life.

Fit men, tall men, short men, stout, fluffy, tanned or pale. Men who know who they are.

I do not suffer a Daddy complex and as someone who sees themselves as mature it's certainly not about me playing 'young' that would be ridiculous. Perhaps its because these men have some preconceived notion of how to treat a woman, they are gentlemen.

Give me the silver fox every time.

Smooth, sophisticated, refined.

A wardrobe dapper from another time.

A man who knows who he is. Interesting and bold and full of character and charm - in this way age has nothing to do with it, age to me is irrelevant.

I find confidence sexy...
along with fine cloth, good hats, traditional shaving sets, masculine old school glamour and of course great company.