MY Nervous breakdown ::: Featuring a Diet of Constant Shit

My nervous breakdown might come in the form of a stand up routine...

I mean why not?

Normal is neutered - and here is THE question...

Why are we so busy trying to be normal?

Oh my normal is quite extraordinary, quite well formed, quirky and self effacing it is the decade for that isn't it?

The 70's was a time for sexual revolution and role reversal or at least challenging your role as a man or woman - so my nervous break down then (had I been an adult then) might have involved a lesbian phase and a feminist book being published.

 The 80's...hmmm the drugs could have took me but I am not that self destructive so perhaps some in your face 'Vagina Monologue - esque - Fuck You' to the world.

Ladies your va-ja-jay is not that interesting.

The 90's Expressionistic but warm at heart, some giant disturbing art instillation or show? Some bizarre stuff for the sake of being truly ground breaking and avant garde.

The 00's Safe very safe - an ironic poem and some sad faceless dolls - oh yeah I did that, but this below is just as bad...ah the malaise.

The thing is
I am getting over something, processing something.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Psychological Violence.

Crime Scene Investigation

It all sounds good doesn't it? Good if it doesn't apply to you. But when there are files and fall out its shit. It's a buffet of shit. Would you like a shit roll, a shit baguette or a shit croissant with shit sprinkles and a steaming hot turd on the side? Yeah its a bit like that.

I don't take anti depressants oh no no no I am far to good for that, no I am too real. Episodes and snippets of complete denial or at least keeping up appearances is the drug of choice for me. Face full of make up, washed and appearing to be functioning. Even better be creative, funny and popular.

Refusing to curl and wither my firm grip on denial and coping mechanism - humour might just be the thing to bring to the fore.

Fuck it! There is an inner battle, continue to parade the existence or call it.
But I am no Debbie Downer - I dislike them and refuse to be one myself, my creativity and humour has keep the drugs and down fall at bay, perhaps its time I turn it, perhaps the depleting can become the tool to invigorate me.

In an ideal scenario my insecurities fall away, my will to please is put aside, I allow the words and the feeling linked to those feces encrusted experiences to be shared and regale my personal experiences.

The flames, the betrayal, my denial. Ultimately my ability, yes my ability. My ability to laugh at myself to laugh at my flaws, my shortcomings, it's actually not about other parties involved. I do not seek revenge and respect peoples privacy - this is no backlash. This is not bitter or vengeful I have seen expression and comedy like that it is anything but appealing.

As an artist and expressive creative my life and my work have always revealed where I am at.

Perhaps comedy is next...
or I could be come the next Nigella,
stay tuned.

::: SMALL OR TALL & THE ANGRY MAMMOTHS :::

Tall or small...

how are you going to play it.

Who are you playing it for?
People often project their own ideas of who you are to them using their own set of references of how you ideally relate to them, and it can stifle.

Sometimes people expect more of you, less of you...but its how you see yourself that matters.

I have touched on the truth jealously contains in a previous post and I believe it shows you what you might really want.

Anger on the other hand I believe shows you what you DO NOT WANT.

Anger is not a good energy and not one I want to cultivate but it has risen within me to boiling point recently. Its horrible its on me, around me, festering and I want to shake it off.

Now I must say that I am glad I am not a compulsive or self destructive person or I might be devouring entire chocolate cakes, cleaning compulsively, smoking, drinking or gambling - perhaps all of them at one time. It is possible if you think about it.

So what can one do with this pernicious force that sucks the energy from you as it courses through your entire being. Ugh! I usually try to acknowledge what it is what the root cause is. I try not to inflict it on others although my happy go lucky positive persona suffers and its me suffering deep down in here. So what do you do with it? Mammoth Anger.

Anger is a rejection of the current status, its not how you want to see things or have things go. Small and large things and factors play into this, life changing and trivial. Sickness, poor health, expectations not being met, rejection, disappointment, hurt...stuff we...no one wants. The picture clashes with our perception, its not turning out right, its all wrong, the result, anger! Sometimes sadness or withdrawal can be a result but if its aggravating you or short changing you enough it manifests as anger!

So we are now wresting and in the grip of an uncomfortable partner. If only we could disconnect and walk away from it. Sometimes with grace and acceptance we can but if it makes you really angry it requires change.

ANGER can be extinguished by CHANGE.

Change what it is you are angry about, change the dynamic, change the image, keep at it till its closer to what you WANT. Hack at it, tweek it, work at it, refine it, give it consistent attention till you can turn it around or at least live without the negative effect of anger.

Perhaps things change against our will... then your only option is to keep making more change - till you are happy with the outcome. Sometimes the change is mammoth - what is a mammoth but a collection of minuscule molecules? Break it down!

I have been chipping away at my own mammoth trying to break it all down, shift what I don't want to get it to resemble what I do want. For many many many years some of us choose to play small, or meek, the eunuch, the guileless, the giving, the sacrificial, the scaffold for others lives. We invest and expect returns be they emotional, financial or the most valuable the time we can never reclaim.

Anger is your enemy but like many negatives it can be turned around and can become also be a most powerful motivator. Like many things we don't want, it just depends on what you do with it. 

Anger requires change to shift it. Change often presents FEAR.

What do we do with fear? Do we play small, that's one way to deal with it and I dare say its the most popular choice made in reaction to fear by far. Or we can stand tall and push the fear away. WE can overcome the boundaries and barriers placed by ourselves to suit others and break free. Those who love you will continue to love you and with authenticity and action you may find a greater you. A you that's much easier to love, that is more loving and open.

'All of Me' by Lisadee

So go ahead stand tall! Be who and what you are be the best you. Go for what you want and desire in life, there will be challenges that's guaranteed, but keep chunking, keep breaking the Mammoth down. Surely we can move a Mammoth bit by bit, bone by bone, we might have to develop skills and be inventive, perhaps separate the hair, the bone, the tusks. Face all that nasty stuff. We can always wash our hands afterward anyway.

I have dealt with a few Mammoths they come in all sorts of guises they tend to get in your way - annoying buggers they are. You can walk around them in hallways have them in your car as you drive but there is only way to get it out of the way...break it down and move it!

Untitled by Lisadee

Once you know whats really annoying you - the cause of your anger you can stop being small and decide to dismantle the beast, its not easy but I will tell you from experience its easier to live with yourself once you decide to start rather than the prospect of squirming indefinitely. They are your options - you choose.

Break the process down, just start.

Then dust yourself off, wash your hands, you will have a lot more space and new cleared energy...
and then and only then can you stand TALL.

Our Deepest Fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles