Thursday, May 30, 2013

Exposing Yourself is it a Good Idea?

Exposing what?

I have intimacy issues...

and no confidence.

I think I am transparent, to the world it might appear I am transparent - I try to project that. Cleverness and a true sense of 'togetherness' like I have my shite together, but sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I am sure I cause confusion to others. All warm and embracing, heart on my sleeve, bold brave self effacing - sometimes a little nude to express that. Painfully shy me. Loud extrovert boisterous me - I am bold brash and open. Attracted to people with open loving hearts and minds, I admire them because I am a bit of a coward.

I apologise for everything.

Sometimes I hate myself for everything.

I hide.

Either I yell jump up and down and scream LOOK AT ME...or I hide. I retract I brood I pick at my feathers like a dysfunctional bird in a cage, till I am repulsive and repugnant. It never lasts long thank god or my brain, my disposition, I don't like the misery or the failure it is unattractive to me, it is not who I am.

There is a need to make amends but then where do I land?

On unfamiliar ground on a strange land. Will I like it?

Why am I terrified to appear as beautiful? I am not remarkable - so I want to dumb it down, I don't want to let anyone down, what if I meet you and I am only me? My age, my stage, in this skin, with these contents in my head, within in my heart, what I can offer you? What if its not enough?

I have a slew of incredible photo's my partner has taken - he has exulted and perfected me. Is exposing myself a good idea I am only just me?

Life is short...